


I Can't Decide

by ConeyIslandBlitz



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec may be like hella ooc in this idk, F/M, I'm Sorry, Kinda Fluffy, M/M, Multi, kinda angsty, kinda deathy, moral grey area, technically no-one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 07:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12648789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConeyIslandBlitz/pseuds/ConeyIslandBlitz
Summary: "Under any other circumstance I'd have told you to let me die-" Simon began to protest - "but I know now, there are people here that I can not and will not leave behind," Alec took a deep breath, "So - this is not something you'll hear me say often - you have my approval. Make me a vampire. For Jace, for Izzy, for Magnus, for the kids... but most importantly, do it for me."In which Alec becomes a vampire. Again.In which I try to explore a moral grey area.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Aloha ma honeys!! This is fanfic number six!! This one was the other concept based on the song I Can't Decide by There For Tomorrow. The original idea was that Magnus decides whether to let Alec die or no. Having two kids together complicates things. I wanted to explore this moral grey area that surrounds euthanasia and I kinda failed, I'm sorry. Alec may be hella OOC in this fic and I'm sorry.
> 
> Not beta'd so all mistakes are my own.  
> I hope you like it nonetheless.

Magnus woke at around 10am on a Wednesday morning to two very enthusiastic children, aged seven and nine, trying their hardest to bring their Papa breakfast in bed without spilling anything. No-one in their right mind would waste these gorgeous-smelling pancakes, after all. Once they'd set the tray down on Magnus' lap, the little blue warlock Max jumped up onto the bed, taking a seat next to Magnus. He also had a handwritten note in his hand from Alec to hand over.

"What's all this?" Magnus finally asked, always smiling.

"Daddy had to leave for a super important mission-"

"Rafe! I literally _just_ handed Papa the note!!" Max protested as Magnus read said note.

"And he made you this tasty-looking breakfast as an advance apology for having to leave so early," Rafael said, reciting his Daddy's every word verbatim, even taking the same little soldier's stance Alec usually does. It made Magnus smile even more; Rafael, the young Shadowhunter, was the spitting image of Alec.

"Thank you, boys. Shall we eat together? Looks like Daddy made enough for three," Magnus asked, inviting his sons to join him for breakfast in bed.

_**M: No rest for the wicked, huh?** _

_**A: Tell me about it. I'll call you when I'm on my way home from work. ily xx** _

_**M: ily2. Can't wait. The boys & I miss you already. xxx** _

Alec smiled a fond smile at that last text from his husband. He then let out a deep sigh as he went about his day.

 

*************************

 

Magnus was used to Alec working late, but he'd barely slept this past night. He began to worry that something had happened to Alec, but he didn't want to imagine all the possible scenarios; each one progressively worse than the last. At the same time, this has happened before, so why should this time be any different? His mind easily wandered back to worst case and he was thinking to himself that he would never be truly ready to lose Alec, not only for his own sake, but now... Now they have the kids to think about. This complicates things a bit. OK, not a bit. Exponentially. He was brought back to reality by a knock at the door. He went to answer, and he found a bloodied Jace and Clary.

"Magnus, we need you at the Institute-" Clary began.

"It's Alec, he... something happened to him. He took a blunt force trauma to the head but-" continued Jace.

"He's not dead; he's just... in a coma. It was quite a blow he took and we're worried not even the Silent Brothers can help him," Clary explained, feeling out of hope already.

"Could you come over and see if you could... I dunno, heal him?" Jace pleaded.

Magnus gave a long, exhausted sigh. The kids were fast asleep; he couldn't just go gallivanting whenever he was needed. "Yeah, sure, as long as one or both of you stays to watch out for them two-" Magnus nodded his head pointing to Max and Rafael - "for a few hours."

Well.

Worst Fears Realised.

This was scary. He was literally  _just_  worrying about this.

"I'll stay, they seem to like me," Clary offered.

"Perfect, let's go," Magnus said, quickly drafting a note with magic to explain that he had an important job to do and that he'd be back ASAP. He didn't believe in keeping his kids in the dark about family matters; but he also didn't want them to know all about this. Not yet. First, resolve the issue.

Normally, Magnus would have Portalled himself and Jace to the Institute, but he really needed the time to think and prepare himself for what he was about to see. He remembered back when Alec's little brother Max was in the same situation, and his magic wasn't enough then; what's to say it'll do the trick this time? As the saying went, 'Madness is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time.' He rmembered when his magic was the only thing keeping Alec from slipping away completely; only Jace could pull him out through their parabatai bond.

Of all the time he'd tried to save Alec, or any other member of the Lightwood family, his magic was never enough. It's safe to say he wasn't holding out much hope.

Couldn't hurt to try though, right?

"Magnus?" Jace called out, snapping Magnus out of this, well, daymare, for lack of a better word. He turned his attention to Jace, who'd asked him to, quite literally, work his magic. He nodded, and entered the room in which his husband lay, almost lifeless.

 

********************************

 

Magnus stepped out of the room, depleted and defeated. He closed the door and simply allowed himself to drop down onto the floor, silent tears staining his face. Jace, Isabelle, Robert and Maryse all took this as a sign. A sign that Alec was gone for good. There was nothing he could do. Jace knelt down next to Magnus and put a consoling hand on his shoulder. Isabelle broke down in Simon's arms. Simon wasn't ready to give up just yet.

Magnus never said Alec was actually dead.

This was, luckily, not lost on Simon. The proverbial light bulb in his head pinged and shone bright.

"Magnus... this might sound crazy but I think I have an idea," Simon offered by way of consolation, no intention of giving false hope. Simon wasn't one for false hope. Magnus, Jace and Isabelle looked at him, inviting him to continue.

"Simon, what is it? Can we still save Alec?" Isabelle asked, never losing grip on her Daylighter boyfriend.

"Well, I don't know if it'll work but we can always try giving him my blood through the IV I saw hooked up into his arm? If that doesn't heal him at all then we could turn his life support off and bury him and he'd-"

"He'd be a vampire," Jace finished. Alec Lightwood becoming a Downworlder wasn't something that bothered Jace or Isabelle in the slightst. Robert and Maryse though... They'd already given up all hope of Alec coming back to them alive and breathing at this point. Not that Alec would be particularly heartbroken by this; his relationship with his parents was strained at best. Nonetheless, Magnus had his doubts. They'd had the Immortality Talk multiple times, the issue not once ever being truly resolved. He felt so selfish to want to agree to this plan in a heartbeat, but he justified his selfishness by remembering the kids. Yes, Max was nine and Rafael was seven, old enough to remember Alec in the event of his passing, but he still didn't want them to grow up without him. He wanted Alec to see what they could become as adults.

Magnus was so lost in his own thoughts he barely registered the blazing argument Isabelle was having with her mother. Maryse's viewpoint was that Alec wouldn't be the son she'd raised, he'd be nothing more than a monster, a clone of his former self. Simon chimed in, in Alec's defence, that he's still the same nerd he was when he was a mundane. Alec's personality won't change, just his blood. He'll still be the same Alec Maryse and Robert raised and loved - in their own way - he'll just be... undead. Maryse had no other answer to this than that he was already dead to her and Robert, and with this the parents took their leave.

After what seemed like an eternity of debate, not a single soul here willing to make the final call, Magnus speaks up with a verdict. He was unspokenly given the final say, as husband and father to Alec's children.

"Alright Sherwin, let's give your plan a shot."

Isabelle took a free room right opposite where Alec lay so she could set up for Simon's blood donation. The irony of this was also not lost on Simon, but he'd learned the hard way when and when not to speak. He watched with fascinated eyes as Isabelle set the needle into a vein in his elbow joint, and she had him flex his muscles for optimal blood flow. Eventually, he'd managed to fill a blood bag which Isabelle rushed to attach to Alec's IV drip. Before doing so, however, Simon figured it wise to bite Alec, "just to make sure. Also, I'm kinda peckish," and he made sure not to drain Alec either, but if there was venom in his system, then it would nudge Alec more in the direction of the not-so-subtle emergency vampirisation they were kinda going for here.

"I'm still not so sure about this, Magnus. Seems a little too far-fetched for me," Jace remarked as Isabelle worked her scientist magic.

"Jace, it _is_ a long shot, but it's the only shot we have right now, if we want to save Alec," Magnus confirmed, feeling just as unsure of the potential success or failure of this operation Simon whipped up on the fly. He feared this would tear an irreparable hole into his relationship with Alec; he'd never said he wanted immortality, after all. He never said he _didn't,_ but point is he never said he _did_. For Magnus to take the wheel like this was... It was so incredibly selfish and he felt terrible. Would Alec forgive him? What about the kids? How will they react?

Shit.

The kids.

How's Clary dealing?

Magnus fumbled for his phone to text her, not daring to speak another word.

_**How are they? How are you? Is everything still in one piece? - M** _

An hour and a half later...

 _ **So sorry!  
** **Everything's fine  
** **Max and Rafe** **woke up missing you**_  
_**Wanted to know if either of you were coming back**_  
 _**Didn't know what to say**_  
 _**So just told them the truth**_  
 **Sorry -C**

Magnus was taken aback by the sudden bombardment of texts from Clary and was instantly reminded why he preferred to call her instead of text. The moment he was done reading all the messages, a Portal appeared and Clary stepped through, holding Rafael and Max's hands.

"Magnus I'm sorry, they insisted on coming once I told them-"

"Papa!" the boys called in unison as they both bolted towards Magnus in a hug attack. Clary, now free of the kids, went to hug Jace.

"What's up with Iz?" she asked him.

"Massive fight with Maryse and Simon stood up for her. Maryse and Robert have declared Alec dead in their eyes because they 'won't have a Downworlder son, Daylighter or no Daylighter'. Simon's donated some of his blood to Alec; we're waiting for it all to enter his system so we can see if it heals him; if not, then we turn off his life support so we can bury him," Jace explained almost coldly, feeling the sting of his parabatai rune fading away and not wanting to let it show.

"Will it even work?"

"No-one knows; that's the scary part," Jace answered, not once letting go of Clary.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get into Alec's head and Simon sings a little song and there's a fluffy ending.

Alec opened his eyes, not without difficulty.

Damn, his head hurt.

What happened?

Why was he in the Infirmary?

Is anyone even here?

He tried calling out but his voice betrayed him. He tried lifting himself up but his body wouldn't budge. He let out a deep sigh in frustration.

"Man, I know exactly how you feel right now."

Alec, despite not being able to move much, jumped at the sudden sight of Simon standing next to him.

"Alec, it's OK. You're in a coma. You can only see me because I hoped by donating some of my blood to you that it would heal a bit of the trauma you took to your head, but you still haven't woken up yet. The Silent Brothers can't help, Magnus can't help-"

"He's here... I thought I could feel him. God, I'm stupid. What about Max and Rafe?"

"They're here too, Clary told them almost everything. Only bit they don't know is that we're gonna have to bury you and make you a vampire if you have any chance of getting out of this-"

Alec's head turned. He was wide eyed. He looked at Simon not knowing what to feel. Simon was afraid of what Alec would do.

"I mean unless you don't want that, then that's fine too. We just thought you'd wanna see the kids grow up, and really the only ones who showed even the slightest hint of protest - OK, it was a LOT of protest - were your parents. We had the biggest argument and they said they wouldn't have a vampire son-"

"So they've already disowned me. Nice. Of all the reasons, I thought it would have been the way I came out of the closet, but nope. This'll do."

A moment of baffled silence. Alec huffed.

"Look, Simon. Yes, of course I wanna see my kids grow up; I could never leave them behind, leave Magnus behind. What kind of father would I be to promise them a loving home with two parents only to leave them like this? Under any other circumstance, I'd have told you to let me die" - Simon was about to protest but Alec lifted his finger to silence him - "but I know now, that there are people here that I cannot and will not leave behind." Alec took a deep breath, as if he was going to regret what he was about to say, "So - and this is not something you'll hear me say often - you have my approval. Make me a vampire. For Jace, for Izzy, for Magnus, Max and Rafe, but most importantly... do it for me."

Simon gave an acknowledging nod, to which Alec smiled softly, and made to go back to sleep.

 

***************************

 

"Turn it off," Simon said, rather abruptly, breaking the silence.

"Simon, what-"

"Please, turn it off, so we can bury Alec," Simon repeated.

 _For Max and Rafael,_ he heard Alec's voice echo in his mind. He didn't think he could do that; have a conversation with a coma patient in his head. He didn't even know if it was real. Maybe Alec would confirm it once he emerged, maybe not. There was no time to ponder all of this; he had a body to bury and a snack to grab.

Simon had made his way to Hotel DuMort for Alec's re-emergence snack, but he didn't know the combination to the safe all the blood bags were kept in, so he had to ask Lilly, the new clan leader after Raphael. Lilly was the kind of vampire that dealt and received info on a strictly need to know basis, so Simon was thankful that she didn't ask any questions as she handed over three bags of A positive to him.

\---

Hours had passed since Alec Lightwood was buried. To Magnus' surprise, Robert and Maryse had come to say a final goodbye to the Shadowhunter they knew and loved. After that point, they'd planned never to see him again. It was easier this way; not seeing him helped them believe he was truly dead. Simon let Magnus and Jace keep guard of Alec's re-emergence snack as he ran an extra errand; that errand being, quickly grabbing his guitar. What better way to pass the time than to jam? Once he'd returned, the perfect lyrics popped up into his head - not his own, mind you, but from a song that had always moved him. He began to play.

 _#Who told you to leave me all alone, leave me in the dark, leave me in the cold?_  
Who told you to leave before I could show you half of the man you wanted to know?  
_But I had to face your last goodbye_  
_But I had to face your last goodbye_  
_The look on my face, my bloodshot eyes_  
_So who won the war deep down inside?_  
_I can't decide...#_

It took everything Magnus had not to break down, and he still failed. The lyrics were clearly sung from his perspective and that's what hurt the most. As Simon continued his song. they all heard a rumble in the ground. What impeccable timing, thought Simon. They all stood back as a way of giving Alec the space he needed to emerge, and once he did, Simon motioned for Jace to throw the blood bags in Alec's general direction, so he could feed.

All three bags were drained in record time, and Alec was of sound enough mind to take in his surroundings. He eventually said, "Huh... so it actually worked..." as he checked himself over, fascinated by the lack of runes on his skin, and felt that, yep, he had fangs now. He got up to his feet, and the first person he hugged was, of course, Magnus, his husband and the father of his children. Magnus hugged back just as hard as Alec had hugged him, like it had been eons since they last saw one another. Simon and Jace exchanged a relieved look. Yes. It worked. It actually worked. Someone should tell Iz and Clary, who were watching over the kids. Simon nodded and decided he would be the one to call. Jace joined him.

"Hey Iz, he's awake-" Simon began.

"Yeah, and shockingly calm-" Jace chimed in.

"He won't let go of Magnus-"

Both boys were speaking over one another at this point.

"Woah guys, slow down. Simon, you said Alec was awake?"

Simon and Jace took turns explaining the situation to Isabelle. Meanwhile, Alec and Magnus stayed snug in their embrace, each planting soft kisses on the other's cheek, neck, lips... just breathing each other in.

"Thank you," Alec whispered between kisses.

"What for?" Magnus asked.

"Saving me," Alec said softly, never letting go of Magnus, "I didn't wanna die. I didn't wanna leave you and the kids, Izzy, Jace... It would have been selfish of me to leave all of you behind," he said, now making eye contact with his husband, which was swiftly broken by Jace's loud voice. We were having a moment, damnit, Magnus cursed in his head.

"Alec, I'm gonna be real honest here, I'm worried about how calm you are," he said.

"Simon explained everything," Alec said, matter-of-factly.

"I did? I did! Wait, that was real? I never knew it could happen both ways because I hallucinated Camille but I guess that's different- uh, um, anyway, yeah. I knew it was time to turn his life support off because he told me to, yeah," Simon rambled.

"Alec, you know Mom and Dad think you're dead, right?" Jace asked.

"Simon told me that too, Jace. Well..." he shrugged and sighed, not knowing what to say, so instead he said, "Simon, the song you played was beautiful, by the way."

"You heard that? Thanks!" Simon smiled proudly.

\---

Magnus was too tired to Portal back to his loft so he, Alec, Simon and Jace all walked. Simon secretly texted Clary to ask her a favour, which she was happy to oblige. A favour for Alec.

They'd all reached the loft and it was a rather hug-filled reunion; Max and Rafael pounced on Alec and wanted to see his fangs, Clary hugged Jace then Simon, and Isabelle vice versa. Clary let go of Simon and was instantly reminded her of the favour. "Oh yes, Alec. Nightcap?" she offered, grabbing a filled glass from Magnus' fridge.

"Uh, sure, thanks," he said, accepting Clary's glass. He took one sniff and asked, "Yours?" Clary nodded with a cheeky smile. Remembering how Simon had become a Daylighter, he gulped the entire contents of the glass in one go. Alec thought for a moment, staring down the glass. "Your blood tastes different... sweeter..." he mused.

"So's Jace's," Simon agreed.

Once the excitement had dissipated, Clary, Jace, Simon and Isabelle all took their leave so the Lightwood-Bane family could wind down. Alec was bombarded with questions from the curious kids Max and Rafael, until they all eventually fell asleep on the couches.

 

*************

 

9am on a Sunday morning, and Alec was making pancakes - again, because it's the kids' favourite - for his family, glass of blood on the go for himself. The sun was shining through the curtains and it was times like these that made Alec truly grateful for Clary's "nightcap".

Max and Rafael stepped out of their shared bedroom because of the gorgeous smell of food. Alec shushed them before they could make a sound; this was supposed to be a surprise for Magnus. He grabbed the tray full of breakfast food for three and walked over to his and Magnus' bedroom, whispering to Rafael, "Refill my glass and bring it over, yeah?" The young Shadowhunter obeyed his father without a word. Alec asked Max to open the bedroom door and saw that Magnus was beginning to wake.

"Breakfast in bed? You'd better not get yourself nearly killed again, Alexander," Magnus joked as he sat up.

"I would never," Alec said, cheeky smile on his face as he moved to peck his husband on the lips, then set the tray onto Magnus' lap before taking a seat himself. Max jumped onto the bed and Rafael soon joined, handing the refilled glass of blood to his Daddy and in return he received a plate of pancakes after taking up a spot on the bed.

Life is good, Alec thought to himself. He felt happier in this moment than he'd felt in a long time. Who knows; maybe Alec was born for immortality after all? The world was truly his oyster now.

 

~FIN~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS!!!  
> What did you think?  
> @ me on Twitter: @ElderHoTan 
> 
> (Ugh, this feels so rushed, I'm sorry, it's terrible, just... Don't be too hard on me. Please.)


End file.
